It Ain't Easy
by RayneSummer
Summary: Five Times Joel Tries To Kill Himself and One Time He Doesn't


**Universe:** The Last Of Us

 _ **Note: Alternative title, Five Times Joel Tries To Kill Himself and One Time He Doesn't.**_ _Inspired by the line from the game, in response to Ellie's "guess they took the easy way out" regarding the two people who had clearly killed themselves rather than turn, and Joel's response "it ain't easy". Trigger warning for suicide, suicidal, self harm, death, and tragedy. It's pretty dark, but it fits with the game. Anyway, hope you like the story. Please review!_

* * *

The first time he tries is just after Sarah.

He and Tommy find themselves hiding out in a two-room apartment come dawn. The place is abandoned. Tommy takes the couch and tells him to get some rest in the room. He shuts the adjoining door and sits with his back against it, unchecked tears flowing down his face. He automatically stands up after a minute, and looks through the draws until he finds what he needs.

A couple hours later Tommy kicks the door open, finds him half bled out on the floor, stained knife next to him. Tommy patches his arms up and talks to him very calmly. He doesn't reply. More tears coat his cheeks as he falls into evil dreams with Tommy beside him.

Come midafternoon, they're on the run again. Tommy makes him promise to hold on for a bit longer. He catches sight of a poster from that movie she dragged him to see with her. He promises.

They carry on.

* * *

The second time he tries, they're with a group of survivors. There's a little girl with them and she dresses the same as Sarah did. He pretends he's fine with it then one night takes his faithful revolver and puts it to his temple. As he's about to pull the trigger the little girl walks in. She freezes, staring.

He throws the gun to the ground and just scream until Tommy comes running in. He takes one look and sends the girl out, holds him while sobs wrack his body. They cry together eventually.

Come dusk, they silently leave the group and walk on alone.

* * *

The third time he wants to, there's no one there to stop him. Tommy's gone off with the Fireflies and he's all alone, hiding from hunters in a small town.

He looks at the falling sun and thinks, fuck it. He puts a gun to his head. He's lost the revolver. This time someone hits him from behind. He wakes up, to face armed, scarred, survivors.

The hunters haven't killed him because of his build. They offer him to join. He looks outside and sees nothing in the world. He takes the leader's hand and agrees.

* * *

He's barely managed to escape the military that mowed them down. He stumbles, wounded, until he collapses. He could bind his wounds but he doesn't see why he should. The fourth time he makes the decision, it sticks.

But still he wakes, sees the first face since Tommy that doesn't want to kill him. She tells him her name is Tess and looks nothing like Sarah. He lets her heal him and then they head off together.

* * *

The years go by loudly. He looks after Tess and she keeps watch over him. One time they cross a town and get ambushed by a guy. The guy separates them and hunts Tess down first. So he intercepts and puts his gun to his head in the familiar fashion. This time it's for a friend again; he'll die and Tess can go.

The man looks at him with new light and knocks the gun out of his hand. Tess appears beside him, suddenly furious. The fifth time he was going to do it, for friends, they saved him.

Eventually they all talk. The guy says he's Bill and could help them out. They agree and go on their ways, he and Tess back to Boston QZ.

* * *

It's years later and Tess is gone. He doesn't know what to do; all he wants is to step right in front of those soldiers and kill them until they kill him back. But there's a little girl beside him and God, it's too fucking familiar.

He made it easy for Tess. He knows he can't do this now.

So he tells the girl to stay close and with every step around the soldiers, he denies the need for a sixth time.

* * *

Now they're in Pittsburg and the girl he hated because of her goddamn innocent eyes has become something to him. And he can't believe he's let it.

So when they stop in a bathroom, standing next to the girl he should still hate, who looks nothing like Sarah and at the same time everything like her, so much so his chest fucking aches with loss every time he looks at her.

She comments on the poor bastards dead together in the bathtub and he shakes his head. "It ain't easy," he tells her and God, he knows how hard it is.


End file.
